Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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