Jerry, you need to find god
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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