I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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