I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
