She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
