I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
