i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
