We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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