i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My underwear smells like fireworks.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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