I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Randomize
