good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
