I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
