My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
