I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
