a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This is the high leading the old right now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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