I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
