I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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