in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
