in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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