Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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