since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
