White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
