Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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