Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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