If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
