Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
