I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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