you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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