Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
