when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
