You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
