I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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