just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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