I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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