I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
