I will die if light touches me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
