Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Boobs speak an international language.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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