so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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