This is not my ceiling
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
