I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
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