while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
