that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
