Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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