I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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