come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize