Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
