Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
be right there i have to get my cape
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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