you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
