We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
