If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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