hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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