she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
