I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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