she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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