do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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