Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
