This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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