ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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