Apparently you make a good broom.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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