he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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